Recently in Million-Dollar Ideas Category

I had a brilliant new movie idea go awry this past weekend -- I tried to cross "Three Men and a Baby" with "Two and a Half Men" and ended up with "Two and Three-Quarters Men and a Half a Baby."

Whatever your business, consider organizing what you sell into groups of three products, and giving each group a number. For example, if you run a coffee shop, one group could be "a machiatto, a ginger cookie, and a kale salad." Another group could be "a soft boiled egg and two single-espressos." You get the idea.

That way, when a customer walks in, they can say "I'll have the number one!" People love to say that phrase. Just look at how well McDonald's has done!

Now sit back and watch the money roll in.

Dial-a-Madlib-word. Call any day or time, say "adjective" or "number" or "person in the room" and get the goods for 10 cents a pop. 20 cents for "type of liquid."

I know, speaking as a doting parent, I would pay $1.40 cents easy to have my children's Madlib-word-appetite sated.

I don't have all the details worked out, but I've got my high-concept pitch ready for "Speed IV: Fear the Egg!"

Keanu's back and the Dennis Hopper role is played by a soft-boiled egg. The egg's planted a bomb on the bus. Keanu has to cook the egg and eat it before the bomb goes off! Or maybe the Dennis Hopper role is played by Jack Nicholson, and he's made a soft-boiled egg, and he's challenging Keanu to eat it, real fast, or the bus gets it! Honestly, I think they're both winners.

Can you hear the timer, tick, tick, ticking? Close up on the bus! -- the egg-cooker! -- the bus! -- a really small spoon! -- Keanu's mouth!

I know that strictly speaking it's illegal to print money, so I can't come out and say that this will be like printing money. But I bet it'll be just like that thing I just mentioned a second ago. (The money thing.) Woohoo!

I just had a great idea, and I'm pretty sure it's gonna make me a million dollars, give or take.

It's really more of a name than an idea. The name is: "Chicken-palooza."

I haven't decided yet whether it's going to be a palooza for chickens. Or perhaps one by chickens. Or maybe a palooza on chickens.

Either way, one thing is clear: I'm gonna be rich!

A band that plays operatic versions of 80s power ballads. And of course, we're calling ourselves: "Aria Speedwagon."

I thought I'd had a lovely night out with the family tonight, enjoying Disney's "Beauty and the Beast -- the Musical." But as we reversed out of our parking space, my son, Power Vortex, showed us how much better the evening could have been. "Tale as old as time..." I crooned. "I am Optimus Prime...." he rejoined.

The car went still. Still like an underground pool. Like, you know, like one of those "and a child will lead them" moments, where the kid says something so pure and so true the grownups have to stop singing show tunes. Like that.

"Beauty and the Transformer." Optimus Prime gets turned into some kind of appliance, or a beat up old Chevy, until Beauty comes along and lifts the spell. Dancing Decepticons! Of course! And then the grand finale, in which Optimus Prime destroys Megatron and then transforms back into his true self before our very eyes.

Come on now! Who's got 25 million bucks?!

Tale as old as time....
Gears as old as grime....
See my hub caps shine....
I am Optimus Prime....
Beauty and Transformers....

I woke up this morning with a new million-dollar idea: "Thunderwear." I don't even think I need to explain to the readers of this blog what a product called Thunderwear might be, right? I mean, seriously. You can't help but make a million dollars with an idea like that.

So anyways, I amble on over to the gaping maw through which the Internet pours into my house and I start up the Google.

I'm asking you, what kind of world do we live in where the trademark for "Thunderwear" has already been used to describe "Gun holsters and Glock gun holsters for gun concealment"?

I don't care what they say, I won't live in a world where "Thunderwear" describes "Gun holsters and Glock gun holsters for gun concealment."

Everybody's always complaining about how people don't read any more, right? Well, I have the solution, and I'm pretty sure it's going to make me a million dollars.

The reason nobody's reading any more is obvious -- we love TV. And the solution's just as obvious: a TV channel that shows books, one page at a time.

Imagine -- the smart thinking you get from a book *plus* the brain-aesthesia you get from TV! I'm so excited, I've passed out twice while writing this. First, when I said I was going to make a million dollars. And then again when I woke up and I re-read that sentence about a million dollars. I'm gonna be rich!

There are lots of great "books on" ideas we should be exploring. I can't tackle them all so I'll put a few out there, and you can get rich too.

"Books on toasters," for example. Why not? Or "books on telescopes." You know, we put a book on the moon and then people will read it through a telescope.

If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a book on the moon. It just stands to reason!

You pay me a buck a year. Just a buck a year! I send you an email every Tuesday that says: "Forgiven."

(I'm telling you, I just got an email that said "forgiven" and it felt fantastic.)

A mash-up of the brilliant Parliament Funkadelic with the soaring solo work of Art Garfunkel:

Parliament Garfunkadelic.

"The Swedish Chef Sings Dave Matthews' Greatest Hits."

Matthews

Chef

There'd be so much money rolling in, I don't know. It would freak me out.