Last week we proudly launched our exclusive look at Stalin's Sexy Man-Apes -- the enigmatic ape/human hybrids who've set tongues a-wagging from Manhattan to Monaco. Our first stop was Denver, for some q-time with Sergei. Next up: Louisville, Kentucky to meet Ivan, widely rumored to be the sexiest of the four Stalin's Sexy Man-Apes. This made me nervous -- after all, there's such a thing as too sexy. But Ivan quickly put me at ease.
At his side was Svetlana Stepanova, a 6 foot 5 platinum blond who's both Ivan's handler and his business partner. Shortly after Ivan's release from the Office of Man-Ape Debriefing, the pair purchase a promising thoroughbred. Now they spend day and night together, training their horse for the Kentucky Derby. It's a busy life, but they graciously made time to meet me at a cafe down by the track, where we sipped Mint Juleps and talked about horse names.
Ivan: The Sexiest of the Four 'Stalin's Sexy Man-Apes'
CV: Wow, you really are quite sexy.
Ivan: Yes. Thank you.
CV: I mean, not just the way you look. Even how you smell.
CV: You even, uh, you even smell sexy.
Ivan: You said this already.
Svetlana: Ha! Does my Ivan leave you flustered?
CV: No, I, er...
Svetlana: He does!
CV: So Ivan, why horses?
Ivan: Well, since was baby man-ape, Ivan dream of going to world-famous "Churchill Downs" for drinking of "Mint Juleps." Is home. Ivan finally find home.
CV: Tell me how you chose the name for your horse.
Ivan: Ivan name horsie "Sergei Is Lesser Ape." At first, was going to name horsie "PS I Love You (Pony)." Or maybe "I Have the Trotskys." [laughs]
Svetlana: I wanted "St. Petersburgh Surprise Packet."
Ivan: Then "Little Ivan, " he say: "You should name horsie 'Sergei Is Lesser Ape.'" And I say: "OK! Let's do it! " Because Ivan want to show world he can be sexy and funny and man-ape.
Svetlana: And you showed them, darling, you showed them all!
CV: That's a great story.
Ivan: Thank you.
Ivan: "Little Ivan" is funny man-ape too. Just not so sexy. You meet him, yes?
CV: Later this week.
Ivan: You will see. Not so sexy.
Svetlana: Not half as sexy as my Ivan.
CV: Svetlana, I've been meaning to ask --
CV: Well, it's just, you two seem pretty close. For a human and a man-ape.
Svetlana: You're not judging us are you? Don't judge us.
Ivan: Cecil, are you judging?
CV: I'm not judging. I was just asking.
Svetlana: You know what, darling? I think Cecil likes you.
CV: I don't.
Svetlana: I think he's jealous.
CV: I'm not.
Ivan: Look -- you are right! He is blushing like some kind of red veg-e-table!
Svetlana: Like a tomato!
Ivan: Sorry blog-man. You are not my type! [laughs]
Svetlana: Are you OK Cecil? Do you need a paper towel?
CV: I'm fine. I just sweat a lot.
Ivan: Your whole head is wet all of sudden.
Svetlana: Have you talked to a doctor?
Ivan: Ivan get paper towel.
CV: OK. Well, thanks so much to both of you for your time.