Some people, like Hillary Clinton and my 7-year-old son, have been hammering home this “Don’t Mess with Texas” message. In the case of Hillary, it’s one of her slogans for the March 4th primary. With my son, it’s on this t-shirt he likes to wear.
And I’m sorry, but I enjoy messing with Texas. I do. And I don’t care what Hillary or Power Vortex say — I don’t intend to stop.
For example, sometimes I move Texas’ seat a few inches away from where they think it is. Not so much that they fall. But just enough so they go “Whoa!” and they have to readjust themselves. And they’re looking around, thinking, “Who did that? Who’s messing with me?”
Or I tell Oklahoma that Texas said something mean about them, when really they didn’t.
Or if Texas is shooting pool, I walk up quietly behind them and tug on their pool cue right as they’re lining up their shot. They hate that!
Got any ways you like to mess with Tee Ex?
Update: Reader James in the comments gently points out that those McSweeney bastards got to this watering hole first. I guess it’s true what they say about an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite number of typewriters taking it to Texas in similar fashion, where time is expressed as T and “ways Texas can be messed with” is expressed as M or perhaps (M Over Tx).
Update to update: After a little reflection, I’ve decided that this is a sign I should redirect my energies. Instead of “messing with Texas,” I’m now going to “screw with Delaware.”
I like to sidle up to Texas real friendly-like, distract it with a bottle of Bud Lite, then kick Texas in the nuts as hard as I can and run away laughing.
Something of an inverse to your question: “Socially Awkward Situations During Which It Would Be Acceptable to Mess With Texas”, published at McSweeney’s. http://mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/2BenjaminSumlin.html
In any case, I randomly found your site looking up pages on Bob Holman. Great interview with him, by the way. I’m actually taking his class right now at Columbia. He’s crazy, for sure, but probably something of a genius too.
Take care,
James
Thanks for the heads up James — McSweeney bastards! And glad you enjoyed the interview — Bob was a wonderful fellow to interview.
-Cecil
Classic Vortex! When ya gonna Irritate Oregon?
I love Oregon. I’m going to “buy Oregon a tea sampler.”
-Cecil
Is that anything like making a Sacramento delivery??
Glad you asked. A “Sacramento delivery” is a euphemism for something that I’m not prepared to talk about on this family site. So that would be a fairly high level euphemism.
In contrast, “buying Oregon a tea sampler” is a euphemism for purchasing a variety pack of teas for the state of Oregon. So that would be, by contrast, a pretty weak euphemism in that it actually means pretty much what it sounds like it means.
-Cecil
Actually I was thinking about replacing all of that “Texas Tea” with ice tea. Mess with the Texans and any visiting Brits (who also hate the stuff). But if we have to import all of that tea from Oregon, wouldn’t it be better to replace the Texas Tea with Oregano? Then we could screw up the potheads from Dazed & Confused too. Did you know I was once related to the shotgun-toting Mama in that film? What was I talking about? Man, I’m hungry. Does a Sacramento delivery have anything to do with Ahnahld’s old day in porn? Or are there burritos involved. I could go for a burrito. Mess with wha?
Oh yeah, Shonny makes a cute red sheep. Zoe thought she was funny. Baah. Baah.
I lived in Texas (in College Station, home of the Aggies and very large tarantulas), and in Dallas when the Bobby Ewing clan was more popular than the J. Spears clan. Since this is a self-proclaimed family site, let me just add that “all my exes live in Texas.” Nuff said.
didja know that Texas is named for a structure on a river steamboat containing the pilothouse and the officers’ quarters. hence, the best way to mess with them is to say their state was instead named after the steamboat loo.
“no we’re not!! we’re named after the pilothouse and officers’ quarters.”
“no, the loo!”
“no, pilothouse and officers’ quarters!”
“no, loo!”
i see this continuing in fascinating repetition.
Wait, what did Delaware ever do to you Cecil?
I have a t-shirt that says, “Let’s Mess With Texas”
I get compliments on it wherever I go.
You should totally get one.
http://cgi.ebay.com/LETS-MESS-WITH-TEXAS-hater-crimson-jersey-T-shirt-S_W0QQitemZ110212583571QQcmdZViewItem
xifer: Delaware was a total jerk to me that time I wanted to borrow their Joe Jackson “Look Sharp!” lp, and they said I would just scratch it up or lose the sleeve the way I did when I borrowed “Armed Forces” from Rhode Island. Which is so not true, and anyways I bought Rhode Island a new “Armed Forces” so what’s the big deal?
-Cecil