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People have been wondering for some time now who the new Ralph Macchio will be. They say: “Who?” Well, I have the answer, and I’m going to share it. But I think it will come as a big surprise, so brace yourself. I am the new Ralph Macchio. Ralph knows already, and he’s not happy … Read more

The horses are grazing over at the World Trade Center. Tourists form a wide circle around the field translating plaques out loud to each other looking down at the grass-covered pit before strolling over to the local Fire Department where the hay stacks are piled higher than feels safe. Squinting through dark glass into the … Read more

Most people don’t like ghosts. But everybody loves circus ghosts. Circus ghosts may not remember who they were in the real world or what kind of car they drove. But they remember their tricks. They say: “Watch me juggle. I can eat fire.” “oooOOOOOoooo.” “I can eat fire.”

Welcome to the Golden Age of me flossing my teeth. An upgraded Age of Reason and now even the common man understands that the pale dots on my bathroom mirror are just pale dots and not some grim portent. At night there is light in this magical time. I am guided by the soft reflection … Read more

Sometimes when people walk by I go to say “hi” to them but nothing comes out, I just open and shut my mouth with a dry whisper and I think: I must look like a lizard to them, like a big, hairy, rumpled lizard with a tiny tongue.

You speak and it’s a leap of faith that someone won’t pop you. In the nose.

I shaved my beard today so, hopefully, we can put our feud aside. You thought I was making fun of the ’70s, but I wasn’t. I love the ’70s. That’s why I wore the beard in the first place. Can’t you understand? It was starting to tear the block apart, our feud. People were taking … Read more

This couple had a fight at the bar tonight about 10 feet from my knees. At the beginning, he was saying he really didn’t do “Graphic User Interface design” any more — he was doing “Information Architecture.” And then they said a lot of things I didn’t hear and suddenly, it seemed, she was crying … Read more

“Hey Potty-Mouth! Like, stop expanding my toddler’s vocabulary.” shouts my inner, angry uptight beatnik to this guy sitting two rows back. And I toss an espresso over one shoulder into the eyes of this small-smiling fuck. I maim him with my poetry. I thunder him with cartoon thoughts in my inner, angry, uptight beatnik mind.

It’s not natural — how still we sit hands hooked over keys, fingers curled in arthritic crunch, Blinking at black and white characters. Blink tap. Blink tap. You take an ape. You want it to sit that still, that long. You basically have to kill it.