They Can’t All Be Winners

If you find yourself stepping on the scale after peeing well, that’s not a good sign.

“Vegans? 40 vegans?! Look, no offense vegans — I’m sure you’re all wonderful people. But this is total bullshit.”

Had a vegan chocolate chip cookie at lunch today and it was delicious, you know? But I felt kind of guilty. About all those vegans.

When it’s all clouded over thick, sheep’s belly wool blocking out stars and sky you have to think: Shit! We’re screwed! Now we’ll never see the aliens when they come to eat our brains out.

He had a Mickey Mouse hat and a Donald Duck shirt and a nose that was just and a nose that was just and a nose that was just plain goofy.

Here’s something you don’t hear often enough at award shows: “I want to shout out to all my poops.”